{"id":887,"date":"2020-04-01T12:01:38","date_gmt":"2020-04-01T18:01:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/amblesideschools.org\/?p=887"},"modified":"2024-12-13T18:13:17","modified_gmt":"2024-12-13T23:13:17","slug":"bringing-up-children-in-distressing-times-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/amblesideschools.org\/bringing-up-children-in-distressing-times-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Bringing Up Children in Distressing Times &#8211; Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wpb-content-wrapper\"><p>[vc_row full_width=&#8221;stretch_row_content&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;true&#8221; custom_padding_t=&#8221;30&#8243; custom_padding_b=&#8221;30&#8243; row_hide_sm=&#8221;yes&#8221; row_hide_md=&#8221;yes&#8221; row_hide_xs=&#8221;yes&#8221; css=&#8221;.vc_custom_1630864580219{background-color: #faf5eb !important;}&#8221;][vc_column]<div class=\"templatera_shortcode\"><div class=\"container-fluid row_section vc_row_cp_lr_15 vc_row_cp_t_0 vc_row_cp_b_0\"><div  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Mason<\/a><\/span><\/h5><\/div><div class=\"vc_empty_space  vc_empty_space_3\"   style=\"height: 10px\" ><span class=\"vc_empty_space_inner\"><\/span><\/div>\r\n<div class=\"vc_custom_heading vc_custom_heading_6953b37b74d42720128422\" ><h5 style=\"font-size: 17px;color: #000000;text-align: left\"><span class=\"hilight\"  ><a href=\"https:\/\/amblesideschools.org\/blog\/\">Articles<\/a><\/span><\/h5><\/div><div class=\"vc_empty_space  vc_empty_space_4\"   style=\"height: 10px\" ><span class=\"vc_empty_space_inner\"><\/span><\/div>\r\n<div class=\"vc_custom_heading vc_custom_heading_6953b37b74e4b499130990\" ><h5 style=\"font-size: 17px;color: #000000;text-align: left\"><span class=\"hilight\"  ><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amblesideschools.com\/main\/educator-support\" target=\"_blank\">Members<\/a><\/span><\/h5><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>[\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][\/vc_column][vc_column width=&#8221;3\/4&#8243;][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n<h4><a href=\"https:\/\/amblesideschools.org\/blog\/\"><span style=\"color: #003865;\">&gt; Return to Blog Posts<\/span><\/a><\/h4>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">[\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space height=&#8221;30&#8243;][vc_custom_heading text=&#8221;Bringing Up Children in Distressing Times &#8211; Part 1&#8243; use_theme_fonts=&#8221;yes&#8221; font_container=&#8221;tag:h1|font_size:30|text_align:left|color:%23020202&#8243;][vc_empty_space height=&#8221;15&#8243;][vc_separator width_in_percentages=&#8221;yes&#8221;][vc_empty_space height=&#8221;30&#8243;][vc_column_text]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\">These last weeks have been taxing. Routines have been radically altered. Freedoms have been constrained. Normal pleasures have been curtailed. For many, income has been disrupted. And perhaps most trying of all, the future is uncertain. The illusion that we are in control is being challenged. Such testing times can be stressful for parent and child alike.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">In these exceptional times as in normal times, it must be remembered that every child is unique and responds to adversity uniquely. No two children do life quite the same way. No two are delighted in quite the same way. No two are distressed in quite the same way. Some are more skilled at responding to adversity, some less so; either way, there is always diversity. We see this diversity in the way children have responded to life under the threat of COVID-19. Many children, while they may be missing normal routines, outings, and community, are nonetheless at peace with the current home regime. Such children are responding with the same degree of blessedness and sinfulness as they would in \u201cnormal\u201d times. Other children seem not to be their \u201cnormal\u201d selves. They may be excessively clingy or selfish, perhaps unusually prone to outbursts of\u202f tears or fits of anger. How is this to be understood? And, more importantly, what is to be done?<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p aria-level=\"3\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u200b<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559738&quot;:40,&quot;335559739&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p aria-level=\"3\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">The Story of Suzie and the Principal<\/span><\/b><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559738&quot;:40,&quot;335559739&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">The school secretary rushed into the principal\u2019s office and exclaimed, \u201cThe kindergarten needs your help!\u201d Up from his desk, through the door, and down the stairs went the principal. As he approached the door of the kindergarten classroom, a piercing shriek could be heard resounding down the hall. Opening the door, the principal saw to his right, in the front of the classroom sitting on the carpet with their teacher, eleven students, all wide-eyed and slightly pale. To his left, in the back corner of the classroom stood Suzie, screaming at the top of her lungs. Immediately, the principal turned to the eleven students and calmly but clearly said, \u201cSuzie has a very big sad, doesn\u2019t she?\u201d Every head nodded vigorously in agreement. \u201cHave you ever had a very big sad?\u201d Again, every head nodded. \u201cIt\u2019s all going to be okay.\u201d And eleven little bodies all released a sigh of relief.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Turning to the other side of the classroom, the principal said, \u201cSuzie, how big is your sad? Is it this big?\u201d holding his hands six inches apart. \u201cThis big?\u201d holding his hands thirty inches apart. \u201cOr this big?\u201d stretching his hands as far apart as he could. Suzie, immediately thrust her hands as far apart as she could, all the while screaming at full throttle. \u201cOh, that\u2019s hard, let me know when it\u2019s only this big,\u201d said the principal holding his hands thirty inches apart. He then turned to the teacher and instructed her to continue reading.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Thus, the teacher read, eleven students peacefully attended to the story, Suzie continued to scream though not quite so vigorously, and three minutes passed. The principal asked again calmly, looking deeply, inquisitively into her eyes, \u201cSuzie, how big is your sad now? Is it this big? This big? Or this big?\u201d Again, Suzie thrust her hands as far apart as she could, all the while continuing to scream. \u201cOkay, let me know when it\u2019s only this big,\u201d said the principal holding his hands thirty inches apart. Another three minutes passed, and the principal asked again, \u201cSuzie, how big is your sad now? Is it this big? This big? Or this big?\u201d This time Suzie responded with something between a whine and a scream, holding her hands twenty inches apart. \u201cGood,\u201d said the principal, \u201clet me know when it\u2019s only this big,\u201d holding his hands six inches apart. A few minutes later, the teacher finished the story, and the class got up to go outside. The principal indicated he would remain with Suzie. As the class departed, Suzie became increasingly quiet. The principal then asked a final time, \u201cSuzie, how big is your sad?\u201d This time she held her hands six inches apart. \u201cGood, come sit beside me,\u201d said the principal, and the following conversation ensued.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cThat was a very big sad, wasn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f Suzie vigorously nods her head, yes.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cDo big sads sometimes just come and jump on you like that?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f Again, a vigorous nod.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cTell me, Suzie, do you know when a big sad is coming? Can you feel it?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f Again, a nod.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cWhen a big sad is coming, where does it start? Does it start in your stomach, your heart, your head or some other part of your body?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f \u201cMy stomach.\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cAnd it spreads from there so that you don\u2019t know what to do and can only scream?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f Again, a nod.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cThere is a way to stop the spread of the big sad.\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f \u201cHow?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cYou\u2019ve been learning your numbers, right? Can you count to 100?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f \u201cYes.\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cShow me.\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f Suzie counts from 1 to 50.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u201cWhoa! You know your numbers,\u202fSuzie! Now, the best way to fight the big sad, when it starts to grow, is to redirect your thinking to something else. Why don\u2019t you try it? Next time you feel a big sad coming, instead of thinking about the big sad, think about your numbers and start counting. See how far you can count before the big sad is chased away. Are you ready to go and rejoin you class?\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f\u202f \u201cYes,&#8221; she said.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Suzie and the principal walked hand in hand to join the class. As Suzie did so, she was all smiles, and for the remainder of the day, she was peaceful. The next day during lunch, Suzie\u2019s teacher approached the principal, saying, \u201cThe strangest thing just happened. This morning, Suzie got that look in her eye, and I said to myself, \u2018Oh no, here we go.\u2019 But then, I heard her whispering, \u2018One, two, three, four, five\u2019 and so on. And the clouds passed without a storm.\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Before exploring the lessons to be learned, a little of the backstory would be helpful. Suzie\u2019s teacher had instructed her students to move from their desks to the carpet for the reading of a story. Suzie asked to sit next to her teacher. As Suzie had sat beside the teacher the day before, her teacher graciously declined the request. Lacking the emotional-relational maturity to handle this disappointment well, Suzie rapidly decompensated and was soon screaming at the top of her lungs from the other side of the classroom.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Like every human person, Suzie is made for and seeks beatitude, relational blessedness. More than sensual pleasure, relational blessedness is the internal state of fruitful joy and peace, that manifests itself to the world. It is nurtured and sustained by the fruitful, joy\/peace of one\u2019s people, and ultimately by the fruitful, joy\/peace of God. Sin and the \u201cgroanings\u201d<\/span><span data-contrast=\"none\">[1]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> of a broken world often disrupt joy\/peace. When joy\/peace is disrupted the human brain begins a faster than consciousness search of memory,<\/span><span data-contrast=\"none\">[2]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> looking for a mental map that would guide back to joy\/peace. While a psychologically and spiritually mature person will have many maps back to joy\/peace, an immature person will have few. When a distressing event occurs and one lacks a mental map back to joy\/peace, the brain reacts as if in a feverish loop, running round and round in circles, seeking an answer it simply does not have. Frontal lobes begin to darken. Executive function becomes unhinged, and the brain regresses to fight, flight, freeze or cling mode.<\/span><span data-contrast=\"none\">[3]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> If we have been paying attention, we all will have noticed this in our children, our co-workers, our friends, our spouse, and even ourselves.\u202fA distressing event occurs, and a person ceases to be his or her usual self. There is a desperate, out of control look in the eye. Behaviors become erratic, unreasonable, angry, anxious, depressed and\/or enmeshed. The mind\u2019s elevator is no longer getting to the top floor. This is all quite normal, a common phenomenon in a fallen world. We need not become overly fretful. The question is, how are we to be helpful?<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">While the story of Suzie and the principal is taken from a particular school situation, it provides lessons for coming to the aid of distressed brains at home or in the classroom.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p aria-level=\"3\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Lessons to Be Learned<\/span><\/b><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559738&quot;:40,&quot;335559739&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">1. Remain at peace when walking into a highly charged situation.<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> This is essential. One cannot be part of the solution if one becomes part of the problem. One cannot bring peace if caught up in the distress. We can catch a distressed brain state like the flu (or COVID-19, for that matter). When two or more share a distressed brain state, they tend to spin out, getting farther and farther from joy\/peace. It is quite impossible for one who is in a distressed brain state to help another recover from a distressed brain state. Parents and teachers are called to be the \u201cbigger brains.\u201d This can be difficult, and there are times when one must take a personal time out or tag team with someone not in distress state. In order to get back to joy\/peace before attempting to come to a child\u2019s aid; we must take seriously Jesus\u2019 words, \u201cDo not let your hearts be troubled.\u201d<\/span><span data-contrast=\"none\">[4]<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">2. Reset the emotional-relational atmosphere<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">. <\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Stress was in the air. The intensity was palpable. It could be seen on the faces of the other children. A distressed atmosphere amplifies distress, making it more difficult to get back to joy\/peace. The principal resets the atmosphere by reassuring the other students. \u201cSuzie has a very big sad, doesn\u2019t she?\u201d \u201cHave you ever had a very big sad?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s all going to be okay.\u201d Most importantly, all the principal\u2019s nonverbal communication\u2014facial expressions, posture, voice tone, are reinforced by the statement, \u201cIt\u2019s all going to be okay.\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">3. Attune without becoming enmeshed.<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> Looking intently into Suzie\u2019s face, the principal\u2019s face communicates concern but not distress. He understands her. He recognizes something is happening inside Suzie that is emotionally overwhelming to her, but not to him. He feels Suzie\u2019s distress but can peacefully handle it. This stance is reinforced by the untroubled question, \u201cHow big is your sad?When it comes to attuning with a distressed brain, there are two failings. The first is to stay coldly aloof. It is a failure to empathize, to allow oneself to be connect with what the\u202fdistressed person is feeling. The second is to become enmeshed. An enmeshed brain goes beyond empathy to \u201cunreasonable pity\u201d and, thereby, unintentionally amplifies the\u202fdistressed brain\u2019s feelings. The coldly aloof and the enmeshed are equally incapable of aiding a distressed brain in getting back to joy\/peace.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">4. Honor what comes from a distressed person\u2019s voice but do not take it too seriously.<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> While distressed brains desperately seek to communicate their internal reality, they cannot assess external reality very well. Suzie screams as if something terrible is happening. Objectively, this is simply not the case. But trying to convince Suzie that things really are not so bad and that she really ought not be responding in this way, would be of no help at all. Further, such talk would be to Suzie a denial of what she is experiencing. By asking, \u201cHow big is your sad?\u201d the principal honored Suzie\u2019s experience without buying into it. Always remember that a distressed brain has a remarkable capacity to fabricate a story for explaining to itself both its distress and its response to the distress. The story may appear ludicrous to the observer, but to the distressed brain it is absolute truth. One should never debate with a person in a distressed brain state. The reasoning part of his\/her\u202fbrain is simply not working. Wait until the brain gets back to joy\/peace when\u202fthe brain\u2019s executive functions turn back on. Then and only then is there the possibility of a reasonable conversation. Forced attempts at \u201crational\u201d conversation with a distressed little brain are usually vain attempts on the part of an increasingly distressed bigger brain to maintain\u202fcontrol.<\/span><span data-contrast=\"none\">[5]<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">5. Give hope.<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> The greater a brain\u2019s distress, the greater the sense of despair. Perhaps the distressed brain\u2019s biggest fear is that the distress will go on and on and on, that it will never come to an end, eventually turning into a black hole which\u202fconsumes the soul. The principal\u2019s repeated admonition, \u201cLet me know when it\u2019s only this big,\u201d communicates confidence that the distress will pass. It will not go on and on. There is the expectation of a return to joy\/peace.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">6. Give relational time.<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> The return of a brain to joy\/peace is a process that can be supported but cannot be controlled. Recovery takes time, sometimes more, sometimes less. It is absolutely necessary to give the needed time. One caveat: if a child is using personal distress as a manipulative tool to gain attention or to win a power struggle, it cannot be allowed to work. Most of the time in such cases, the child should be left alone, with the standing offer to return to life together, once he has \u201cquieted his heart.\u201d<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">7. Do not force it but do take advantage of a teachable moment.<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> When a person is in the midst of a distressed brain state, it is not a teachable moment. Distressed brains are incapable of receiving verbal instruction well, and it is counterproductive to force the matter. However, if one has successfully aided a distressed brain in getting back to joy\/peace, it becomes a very teachable moment. The principal took advantage of this moment to show Suzie that she is loved (sitting beside her, walking with her to rejoin the class, holding her hand) and to instruct her in a strategy for avoiding \u201cbig sads\u201d in the future.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">8. Change is almost never an instantaneous and complete reversal.<\/span><\/b><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> Change usually occurs\u202f in frequency over time. This was not Suzie\u2019s last \u201cbig sad. \u201dBut it was the beginning of a process by which over time Suzie\u2019s \u201cbig sads\u201d became fewer and of less intensity; such that two years later, by the time Suzie was in the second grade, \u201cbig sads\u201d were largely a thing of the past.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p aria-level=\"3\"><b><span data-contrast=\"auto\">Final Thoughts<\/span><\/b><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559738&quot;:40,&quot;335559739&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">The school classroom is the setting for the story of Suzie\u202fand the principal; nonetheless all of the ideas explored here apply as much to home life as they do to the school. Principals, teachers, and parents alike will encounter distressed \u201clittle brains.\u201d It is all quite normal. We are not just born sinners; we are also born emotionally-relationally immature. Thus, bringing distressed \u201clittle brains\u201d to greater maturity is part of the\u202fjob description of parents and teachers.\u202fWe must acknowledge that it is not always easy. It is challenging to remain the peaceful, engaged \u201cbigger brain\u201d which\u202fis helpful to the little ones we love.\u202f Thus, the distress becomes an opportunity for growth not just for the \u201clittle brain\u201d but the \u201cbigger brain\u201d as well.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">The story of the principal and Suzie was primarily about recovery from a distressed brain state, but this is only half of the work to be accomplished.\u202f\u202fIt is also the responsibility of parents and teachers to build resilience, the capacity to absorb adversity without slipping into a dysfunctional, distressed brain state. Building Resilience will be the topic of<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/amblesideschools.org\/bringing-up-children-in-distressing-times-part-2\/\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">Part II\u202f<\/span><b><i><span data-contrast=\"none\">\u201cBringing up\u201d Children in Distressing Times.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/a><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;134233117&quot;:true,&quot;134233118&quot;:true,&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559740&quot;:240}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"none\">[1]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> Romans 8:19-23 (NRSV)<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"none\">[2]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> Our brain\u2019s search for a mental map back to joy\/peace happens so rapidly, that we are not consciously aware of it.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"none\">[3]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> Much of addiction seems to be a form of clinging. A distressed brain, without a map back to joy\/peace and lacking a person upon whom to cling, may substitute food, drink, pornography, or videogames.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"none\">[4]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> John 14:1 (NRSV)<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"none\">[5]<\/span><span data-contrast=\"auto\"> Note: A distressed brain also does not remember well. A distressed brain may make an outlandish claim or engage in outlandish behavior and later deny it completely. Assuming the child is normally honest, the now calm brain is probably not actively lying but simply has no memory of what was said or done. The brain was not functioning well, and the event was not recorded in memory. Because what was said and done is now rather incriminating, it is reflexively denied. Rather than denial, children should learn to respond by professing no memory of such words or deeds.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-contrast=\"auto\">*Image courtesy of <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/stocksnap.io\/author\/38465\"><span data-contrast=\"none\">Caleb Woods<\/span><\/a><span data-contrast=\"auto\">\u202fall rights reserved. Creative Commons.<\/span><span data-ccp-props=\"{&quot;201341983&quot;:0,&quot;335559739&quot;:160,&quot;335559740&quot;:259}\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space height=&#8221;30&#8243;][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]<\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It must be remembered that every child is unique and responds to adversity uniquely.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":888,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[73,70],"class_list":["post-887","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bill-st-cyr","tag-distress","tag-parenting"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Bringing Up Children in Distressing Times - Part 1 - Ambleside International<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"No two children do life quite the same way. 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