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When hosting people for dinner, I sometimes feel anxiety creeping onto me regarding my not-updated home, or how basic a meal I’ve prepared, or some fruitless comparison with others. The escape of that anxiety, I’ve found, is not to clean more, bake more, or rearrange centerpieces. It is to bring my thoughts up to another plane entirely. My “higher plane” is to remember that my guests do not long to be impressed; they long to be welcomed, to have a feeling of home. When I climb to that higher vision of hosting, my anxiety drains out. I am then in line with God’s heart, I am inspired, I know it is not about me, and I’m freed from performance. ‘Home’ is a higher plane for my focus than ‘perfection.’  

I had coffee this week with a young mom whose daughter is approaching high school. Her child (and 3 of my own) are of “The Anxious Generation,” as named by NYU social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, whose well-researched book examines the social, emotional and cognitive impacts of the “great rewiring of childhood” by social media and a phone-based culture, which is causing an epidemic of anxiety and other destructive disorders for our youth.

Many thoughtful articles and blogs have responded to Haidt’s excellent work, and consultants have popped up to help parents lessen the grip of anxiety on their children. Below are quotes I’ve heard from these secular sources, and some of you likely have heard too. They are intended to help parents limit tech use, and each contains some truth. But our Christian faith and practice give us a vantage point and direction that most don’t have; let’s explore how we can “rise to a higher plane entirely.”

“My number one job as a parent is to keep you safe.” Is it? Does reading those words make anxiety bubble up? The secondary message is that danger is central, is always looming, your job is never done, and your child can’t handle it without you. But our true job is on a higher plane entirely: “My role (and joy) is to obey the Good Shepherd in loving you and guiding you in paths of righteousness, toward maturity and a flourishing life.” Do you feel the “aaah” in that? – the calm, hope and sweet anticipation for life? Home is a fertile field where good can grow; why would we mar that good with anything lesser for our children, especially before it is absolutely necessary? Parenting is the privilege of nurturing, instructing, training, and enjoying goodness and beauty in fellowship with young humans who will become your favorite adults in the whole world.

“My job is to establish tech safety; my kid’s job is to develop emotional regulation skills by experiencing and expressing their feelings, (including reactions to boundaries).” While this process may occur, let’s not assume we must be (or that it’s our job to be!) in an adversarial role with our children. A child’s role is actually the same as ours: to love and obey and learn and grow and mature to a life of flourishing. I am under authority just as is my child. I must do what is right even when it is hard, just as my child must. Our children are persons who belong to the Lord, as are we. We don’t own our children; we are merely stewards in the service of the One to whom they and we all belong.

“A factor that counteracts anxiety is feeling competent and capable.” This is partly true, but some of the most competent and capable people are still the most anxious. What really counteracts anxiety is learning to live on a different plane, where we accept God’s grace and forgiveness, gladly obey our good, good Father, and leave outcomes in His hands. “His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7) “The effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever.” (Isaiah 32:17)

“We want to communicate with our kids from a place of believing in them.” I don’t “believe in” my children. As Oswald Chambers said, “Our Lord trusted no man; yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, never in despair about any man, because He put God first in trust; He trusted absolutely in what God’s grace could do for any man.” I believe our children are gloriously created in God’s image, and are also as prone to fail as I am. We must know where they are weak and not overwhelm them. Giving technology too soon is like hanging a tire swing on a sapling – it overwhelms and deforms growth. But we also need not despair, because we have a Redeemer who is able to transform our children, and us, by His grace and goodness.

“Talk with other parents. No judgement, no morality. Say, ‘I’ve been thinking about how to ensure our kids feel less anxious…how to make it easier for our kids.’” This may ‘feed the giant’ of anxiety while attempting to be freed from the giant. We actually can’t ensure what anyone else feels; we often can’t or shouldn’t make things easier for our kids; and morality is a factor. But we can model and teach them to “do hard” and “do right” no matter what others do, and encourage others to do likewise.

“I have the right to change the rules whenever I need to for your safety…My boundaries might change.” But we must not be arbitrary. And telling our children that boundaries may change invites continuous debate, which adds additional stress. As a parent under God’s authority you are responsible to do what is good and right. If a change becomes necessary, perhaps say: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t make a careful decision that was for your flourishing. (Or “I now have more information.”) I need to realign with what is best for you. Please forgive me for exposing you to what is less than for your long-term good.”

More notes for a peaceful home:

Make home a place where your child’s heart can rest from performance anxiety and comparison. Yes, you must train and establish habits at home, but your child’s worth and acceptance should not be linked to their performance. Make home their cozy place, their loved place, the place where their spirits can be refreshed. Be “their people”, their main tribe. May they say of us, “My parents are on my side to make me a better person. I can leave the chaos and nastiness of other parts of life behind when I come home.”

Develop your child’s affinities for better things than screens. My toddler granddaughter sat in church on Sunday with a wrapped bite-sized Snickers in her hand. She was happy to peacefully hold it, with no urge to open it, because she has not yet tasted Snickers – she has not yet had her affinities trained to desire what is inside. Similarly, the easiest time to say no to addictive technology is before your child’s brain is wired with a strong affinity to it. Apps are designed to be even more addictive than Snickers, especially to immature brains; they bend users’ affinities to desire them ever more. If you don’t begin the expectation for additional tech, you will have much more peace in your home. Calmly redirect youngsters’ attention to the things you do as a family instead – we bike, we hike, we have picnics with friends, we sled, we visit family, we play games, we read stories out loud, we sing, we build, we dance.  Grow a variety of better and real things in your garden of life!

You cannot give what you do not have. If you are glued to your phone (as I too often am), or if you are addicted to certain online activities, you send the message to your children that “this is where it’s at!” You are showing them where to find pleasure, and they will set their affections as you do. Becoming the kind of person that you hope for your child to be is the hard and most humbling work of parenting.

With each parenting decision, ask yourself, “Will this nurture my child’s character and help them grow in wisdom and virtue?” This question led us to forgo gaming devices entirely. We see technology as a sometimes-useful tool, and only add it to our children’s lives once it truly becomes needed, and after we try less life-altering alternatives.  

• Before high school, phones are unnecessary (with rare exceptions, such as for a student who rides a subway to 7th grade). Younger children should always be in the presence of a responsible adult (coach, carpool parent, etc.) who can call or text for them if a need arises.  

• For high school students, good alternatives to smartphones exist. Yes, your child will miss out on some social activities and interactions, but they will gain much more in face-to-face skills and varied interests.

• Computers should always be located where adults are present and aware.

• After our young adults were old enough to travel independently, especially on public transit systems in college, we felt smartphones were necessary. By that time they were mature enough to not depend on them for securing social status or for feeding immature impulses.

• Each of our children has thanked us for not giving phones to them sooner. Our two youngest have thus far decided not to use social media. All four are well-balanced, happy, productive and interesting! Much of life is “pay now” or “pay later.” We “paid early” in doing a hard thing that has yielded excellent long-term returns in their lives and ours. We have watched the “pay later” approach often bring costly sorrows as Haidt describes.

Gifts given by Ambleside. It warms my heart to pull up at afternoon carpool at Ambleside and see a growing group of Ambleside high school students outside – talking to each other, laughing, and being goofy together. It is surprising how rare that scene is now in most high schools, where phones are both a focus and an escape from socializing. Ambleside counters the rewiring of which Haidt warns by giving these gifts to students:

• An atmosphere of joyful, real, conversational learning together.
• Many healthy connections and interests – to nature, music, science, mathematics, art, literature, etc.
• Time for creative outdoor play.
• Many worthy ideas to ponder and discuss with friends, so they need not only talk on the trite level of pop culture.
• The protection of reading. Dr. St. Cyr once commented after seeing our junior-high son reading, that reading is protectively calming, especially to young men who could choose much more destructive alternatives.

• The power to change their brains and lives by the formation of new habits.

• The gift of community. You are not alone. Your child is not alone. You are connected to a supportive intergenerational community, for life if you so choose!

Kimberley Lorden

Co-Founder, Ambleside School of Colorado